Today I’d like to talk about intentional resilience. I’d like to first begin by talking about what life is like without intentional resilience. If you’re anything like me, you’ll be able to identify with at least some parts of this description. It may sound bleak, and even way too familiar, but hang in there with me, pause, breathe, and we’ll get through it together. And then we’ll move on to what’s possible. One of the terms you’ll hear me use today is the obnoxious roommate. I found this term very helpful and I am grateful to Arianna Huffington for coining this phrase that accurately describes some of what goes on in my head.
What might life be like without intentional resilience?
Without the commitment to intentional resilience, life can be largely defined by past experiences. We may tell stories emphasizing what happened to us as victims of circumstance. In an ever-changing world, resistance is required to keep everything the same and protect ourselves from change. This often means we live habitually and have a substantial excuse-file while using outdated information to fortify our fears and limits. That which is unfamiliar, or different, is frequently exaggerated instead of being investigated. Significant energy is needed to maintain the status quo with little thought for the possibility of finding a way. Commonly, the obnoxious roommate, that lives within each of us, has free reign to incessantly exaggerate our fears, tell us what’s impossible, what hasn’t worked in the past, and remind us of anything we haven’t mastered yet. Does any part of this description sound familiar? If so, stay tuned.
What is intentional resilience?
Intentional resilience acknowledges that life will not always be the same, because challenge and change are constants throughout our lives. In order to practice intentional resilience, we first need to pause. We make the decision not to grab an excuse, and instead, believe we can find a way, even though we don’t know what it is. Typically, resilience has been defined as the ability to return to the state that was present prior to the change or challenge. There is the possibility with resilience, as previously defined, that you miss, or avoid the fertile ground of uncertainty, in order to return to that which you know. When we commit to intentionally developing resilience within ourselves, we acknowledge that there is the potential to grow and evolve within any circumstance or situation. Intentional resilience supports you in believing you are capable, and you have the ability to navigate the uncertainty in life.
What does intentional resilience look like?
If I want to be able to grow in life’s situations, I need to develop my intentional resilience muscles. In each circumstance, I want to use my creative capacity. When I was caring for my terminally ill parents, simply “bouncing back” was not a desirable option. If bouncing back wasn’t the goal, perseverance and adaptability were necessary in order to navigate the constancy of the challenges and changes. An awareness of the limited time we had together helped crystalize and clarify my desire to make the most of every moment. I was clear, I was not a victim of circumstance, because within challenges I knew there were opportunities. How I moved through these experiences and how I embraced these challenges was up to me.
When you embrace intentional resilience, it means that when challenges arise, you choose not to immediately react by grabbing one of your most handy-dandy, frequently used excuses. To quiet the obnoxious roommate who is an expert in whispering fear and doubt, you might tell yourself, “I may not know how to do it right now, but I can figure it out.” Or, “What is the next step I can take, even if it’s small?” Sitting in this confusion of not knowing is not the same as inaction. Insights that help us know what to do, often come after a period of confusion or uncertainty. Each time I practice intentional resilience and find a way, I am different and have more capability for the challenges and changes that are part of my future. Intentional resilience helps each of us believe there is a way.
One of my favorite examples of intentional resilience is the swimmer Diana Nyad who successfully swam from Cuba to Key West Florida on her fifth attempt, at the age of 64. After her fourth unsuccessful attempt, (notice, I did not label her unsuccessful attempts as failing) she practiced, she strategized, and she worked with her team using the information she had gleaned with each attempt. She continued to believe there was a way to successfully swim from Cuba to Key West, which indeed she did, because she didn’t give up.
I love this next example because it illustrates how a young man continued to do something he loved despite challenges. When his business began to take off, a young chef, who is also an avid reader and book lover, had to find ways to continue reading. His schedule would no longer accommodate quiet moments, holding the book in his hand, turning the pages, while sipping a beverage. His love for story and desire for information helped him to bypass his aversion to having someone else read the text to him. Now, he is able to listen to books while commuting, sometimes even while prep cooking, or doing household chores. He redefined reading and his life is richer because he found a way.
How does Intentional Resilience help me to live in discovery?
If you are intentional about developing resilience within yourself, you first pause to identify your typical, well-worn excuses. These excuses are the reasons you give for not taking action and avoiding risks. Our excuses help to keep everything the same, even when “the same” isn’t working anymore. It’s basically identifying things that give you permission to avoid, procrastinate and pretend. As you strengthen your intentional resilience muscles, you are much less likely to rationalize wonky behavior that is no longer serving you.
Because your insights have often followed a period of confusion and uncertainty, you are more able to tolerate the discomfort of this state. Once you’ve identified your most excellent, extensive excuse file, it is likely that you are aware this wasn’t helping you to create the life you want. As you commit to developing your intentional resilience, you move more and more of your Go-To Excuse File to the trash. Realizing that the obnoxious roommate in your head is constantly marketing unexamined beliefs, fears, myths, and self-doubt, you can make the choice to ignore the chatter and focus on that which supports you in finding a way. Uncertainty, or change, can provide fertile soil in which we can develop our ability to be intentionally resilient as we navigate life experiences. When we embrace intentional resilience and commit to its development, we are more able to live in discovery, understanding that we can grow and evolve in any life situation.