Today is another story telling blog which I hope will help you identify some of the patterns within your own life. If you are currently reading Leaving Shore, you may want to look at the chart at the end of Chapter 3. In Chapter 3, I outline a variety of strategies such as, reflecting, redefining, rewriting old stories, revising metaphors, and re-visioning to assist you as you update your operating system. In this blog I would like to share additional stories and perspectives to help you as you house-clean your mind in order to live in discovery. I decided to divide this blog into two segments in order to have adequate time to address each pattern.
Why is identifying my patterns important?
Today I’m offering you illustrations of some of the common patterns that can hold us in place. Like logs jammed together in a river, our old, outdated, and unexamined ideas can keep us stuck in the backwaters of our own lives. Recognizing a pattern is not always a comfortable moment. Think of when a kind friend informs you that you have a long tail of toilet paper stuck to your shoe after you had just walked all the way across a hotel lobby. Of course, you are extremely grateful to the friend for this rather embarrassing information, and you now can take immediate action to change the situation.
Like the toddler who has seen the world from a new perspective once they have learned to walk, crawling, being limited to the floor and its vista, becomes much less appealing. You, too, will find that discovering a world beyond the confines of these patterns is freeing and opens up possibilities. The stories about ourselves that we carry within us are not frozen in time. We only think they are. When we take time to revisit our stories and rewrite them with current information, we have a chance to clear those logs and loosen the grip of the past, allowing us to step into the flow of our current life.
What is a log?
A log is a pattern, a common way that you respond to the world. Logs can be unexamined stories and patterns of behavior that are frequently used to keep life the same and fortify excuses. These logs impede your awareness of possibilities and potential. I’d like to share stories to illustrate five of the most common logs which include: past-oriented, paralysis, self-limiting, I can’t/I won’t, and victim. All those words probably sound like a jumble right now but stay with me because they will make much more sense in a few minutes. In each story, I will give you the lens of one pattern (log) in an effort to help you see them more clearly, so that you can identify which ones might apply to you. The gift in recognizing your own patterns, just like your excuses, is that once identified they begin to lose their power.
Let’s begin with the log, or pattern I call “Past-Oriented”.
As I got to know a woman, over time I heard her mention that she didn’t drive down a particular street anymore because that is where she had a bike accident when she was ten. When talking about where to find a product, this same friend informed me she would no longer go to a certain store because one time a store clerk had been rude to her. Later she forecast that June would be a difficult month for her as many years ago, several challenges and disappointments had occurred in June. She let me know that during June she always chooses to reflect on these events and is careful not to take risks.
Finally, I mentioned to her that she commonly used an experience from the past to guide her present behavior. I suggested that she ask herself, “Is this true now?”
Once I drew this to her attention, she quickly recognized this rather dominant pattern.
Having identified the pattern, she was able to catch herself more frequently and use current information to make decisions and life choices.
This next story illustrates “I Can’t/I Won’t”.
I was surprised when this very capable woman I had met relayed this story. She told me about turning down a trip to England with one of her close friends. When she discovered the explorations and destinations would involve car rental and driving, she said a flat no. “I am not willing to go anywhere where they drive on the other side of the road.” There was no more discussion. No other alternatives were explored. The trip was canceled.
I was told this story years after it had occurred. As this woman reflected, she realized that this was just one example of how she defended herself when she was unsure, afraid, or in unfamiliar territory. She regretted missing this opportunity with a dear friend. Although she missed the trip to England, she used her understanding of this pattern to notice when she was abrupt, or about to shut down an opportunity, and vowed to at least pause and reflect, giving herself time to thoughtfully consider possibilities.
“Paralysis” is the basis for this next story.
A man shared with me that for much of his life he felt uncomfortable eating in front of anyone but very close friends and family members. Although he loved being included and invited, he agonized for years over eating with people he didn’t know well. Sometimes he would even eat before he went out to minimize the possibility of being embarrassed. It wasn’t until he was in his thirties, while at a gathering with work friends, he began observing the relaxed ease of others who were sharing a meal. He was puzzled, “Why am I so different?”
It took a while for the memory to surface. As a preschooler he had been publicly chided in a restaurant by his parents for his sloppy manners and spilled food. So think about this, a man in mid-life was being controlled by the memory of a parent belittling a preschooler for his lack of correct table manners! It was a huge ah-ha when he came to understand how the experience had affected him and his social decisions. This gentleman is now often the first to invite colleagues and friends to join him for dinner out.
Stay tuned for part 2 of Clearing the Logjam where I will continue to give a few more examples of how the logs that can interfere with your ability to live in discovery. As each log is removed, as each pattern is discovered, you are freed to be your most curious, creative, and compassionate self.