Today I’d like to talk about the power of the pause, but before we begin, I’d like to give you an update. My original plan was to record podcasts and post corresponding blogs every week. Guess what? I discovered that life interrupts and disrupts sometimes. So, instead I’m going to post as frequently as I can, but it likely won’t be every week. Like I mentioned in the original invitation, this is where I appreciate your patience and grace.
What is the Pause?
One of my first suggestions when people decide to live in discovery is that they learn to pause. Pausing, practicing pausing, opens us up and gives us the time and space to begin to reflect. The pause supports us to dismantle the Go-To-Excuse File and our default two-column, either-or thinking. Many individuals have reported that the pause can be challenging to use at first and that learning to pause is life changing.
The pause is paradoxical because it looks deceptively simple, can be challenging to implement, and yet is a powerful tool. It puts you in the driver’s seat of making thoughtful, informed responses. It gives you a moment to look at where you are, who you’re with, and decide who you want to be. The pause is the difference between knee-jerk reaction and thoughtful responding. To put it succinctly, the pause makes it much less likely that you will have to take your foot out of your mouth.
What does it look like when we don’t pause?
Being quick, having a witty reply, wanting to be seen as the smartest, or the fastest, may give the illusion of importance and superiority. Snappy comebacks or retorts can get the instant reaction or the laugh, often overriding the feelings of the listener. Frequently, these behaviors can help us feel as if we belong.
An individual came to me with a situation that was a beautiful illustration of what happens when the pause isn’t used. An executive was in charge of a large, time sensitive project. A fellow employee was asked to help in order to bring the project in on time. Everyday they met with small groups asking for input and feedback. Each day they collected many good ideas, and people left feeling alienated, devalued, and dismissed. The project executive was receiving valuable information while speaking rudely, dismissing any idea she didn’t like and sometimes ignoring input.
When I asked the assistant what it was like to work on the project she said, “It’s like this woman is driving a speedboat, only looking straight ahead and unaware of the people and relationships flailing in the wake of her boat. The speedboat never pauses, because she is so intent on the destination. Anybody who is working on the project is now doing their best to avoid having any contact with her. This whole mess has been an avoidable disaster.” Although the executive secured funding for the project, she had alienated her coworkers in the process. As the assistant and I debriefed the experience to better understand what had happened, she clarified for herself how desperately the pause had been needed and ignored.
What might the pause prevent?
Let’s talk about what it costs us when we don’t pause. In other words, we are building the case for why the pause might be a rather important skill to cultivate within yourself. When we react, we aren’t giving ourselves time to think. Emotions often hold us hostage and drive what we say and do. So, we are likely speaking and acting without much thought in an attempt to stay in our comfort zone. This immediacy can mean we see only two options, such as good-bad, or right-wrong. This two-column thinking supports us to label and judge, which often leads to hurting people and fracturing relationships.
The pause can prevent us from saying words that cannot be retrieved. In this age of electronic communication, whether email or social media, once we’ve pressed the send button, it may not be possible to take the words back. The same is true with our spoken words and actions. Pausing before we speak is similar to pausing before we press “send” or “post”. When we pause, there is an opportunity to interrupt the reactive patterns of our mind that likely aren’t serving. When we realize we have hurt or offended others, our “clean up committee” may have a lot of work to do trying to undo the messes we have created.
How is the pause counter-cultural?
Work environments, family cultures, and communities all have patterns of language and predictable behaviors. The pause can feel a bit awkward and is often not what people expect you to do. It may even make those around you uncomfortable. It is brave to pause and it takes practice. When we pause, we are making the choice to interrupt automatic patterns and are giving ourselves the opportunity to think and decide for ourselves what we really might want to say or do. We are much less likely to use prepackaged thinking, canned phrases or language that has been passed down for generations. The pause makes it much less likely that we are parroting the words of others.
The pause interrupts the expected rhythm of conversation. The pause allows us to choose words carefully, using our own original thoughts. When trying to use humor instead of sarcasm, it might take a moment to think about our choice of words. The pause gives us time to be aware of our own feelings, the feelings of others, and to speak kindly. The pause enables us to consider saying nothing until we know more, until people calm down, or we may make the choice not to enter into this type of conversation at all. Once you decide to utilize this tool, you may not be the first person out of the chute with an answer, in fact, you may be the last person in the group to voice your thoughts.
What are the benefits of pausing?
The pause helps build trust in relationships because people feel heard and therefore respected. It allows us to listen and hear ourselves and our own wisdom. Pausing offers the opportunity to reflect and develop observational skills. Personal, creative and compassionate responses are more likely when we pause. When we utilize the pause, we are able to live much more efficiently because our “clean-up committee” has a lot of time off. We aren’t having to spend time cleaning up the messes or chaos we created. By pausing and not grabbing our excuses, we are more likely to be creating the life we want. The pause is the first step that interrupts the immediate implementation of excuses. The pause is a gift to you and everyone around you.
As we practice the pause and begin dismantling our Go-To-Excuse File, we are poised and ready to purposefully develop our resilience. With the commitment to grow and evolve in any situation, we seek to become increasingly adaptable and flexible. In an ever changing world, we can develop our ability to be curious, respond creatively and compassionately, then, more becomes possible.